I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
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middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Cake safety first. Always.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?