A roof is a house hat.
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I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Autocorrect completely socks
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Match dot com, but for socks.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.