I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas

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Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.


WANTED: crew for submarine movie
Must enjoy:
—violently throwing oneself from side to side;
—getting positively drenched;
—shouting while turning a bunch of valves except one that just won’t budge dammit


Turns out my top three hobbies are:
1) restaurants
2) bars
3) non-essential businesses


[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time


When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’


Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.

Wife: You ate Beggin’ Strips.

*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.


#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.


ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters


No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.


riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL