I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
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Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Twitter is the new flypaper.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.