I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake