Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Noted.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.