@TommyKarate

I have a big butt and I can not lie.

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@bombsydoll

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*hits wall outlet
*has amazing time being electrocuted

@TheNYAMProject

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

@QueenofSparta

Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody’s watching us?
Him: No
NSA agent: No

@RocketRankoon

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

@comer310

Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!

Dude: You’re so whipped.

Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.

@theshantilly

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

@thenatewolf

There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don’t know if it’s a murder or a rare Pokemon.