I have a black belt in leather
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You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?