I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
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We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.