@Birdhumms

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

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@PaperWash

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

@Quartzjixler

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

@Jared_Wade

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

@stevevsninjas

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

@BlackJerms

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

@Jay_FrickinLynn

[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

@Spaziotwat

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

@daemonic3

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

@msevilroyslade

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.