“I have a bloody nose” – a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.

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My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window


Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.


If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.


I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.


Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours


[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*


You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.


How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)


Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.


If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.