@jokesforsmokes

“I have a bloody nose” – a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.

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@adamjest

My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window

@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

@Tmoney68

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

@NervousJr

I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.

@UnIxphysco

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

@blade_funner

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

@Grommit56

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

@GavinProbably

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

@awkwardphilippe

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

@TheTweetOfGod

If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.