I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
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[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
This one’s “Alex”.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.