I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
You Might Also Like
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..