I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
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Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My teenage children choosing violence
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
We like the way Dwight thinks
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.