I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?