I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.