I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.