@Parkerlawyer

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

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@TeaPainUSA

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.

@Megatronic13

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

@Tharin_P

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

@SadieSkyNinja

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

@seandunn76

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

@david8hughes

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

@3sunzzz

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

@daemonic3

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans