How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
You Might Also Like
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*