@skickwriter

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

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@Tommytoughstuff

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

@skyington

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

@myonlymizztake

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

@radtoria

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

@dorsalstream

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

@daddyville

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

@averagegrades

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

@robdelaney

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

@rudy_mustang

[applying for a job at the FBI]

FBI: and there will be a video interview

Me: do i just walk up to any computer with a webcam lol

FBI:

Me:

FBI: you could do that, yes