“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Don’t worry about the grass on the other side.
It’s not your grass.
[applying for a job at the FBI]
FBI: and there will be a video interview
Me: do i just walk up to any computer with a webcam lol
FBI: you could do that, yes