I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

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“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”


Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.


Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.


Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.


ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES


Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.


whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project


Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.


[applying for a job at the FBI]

FBI: and there will be a video interview

Me: do i just walk up to any computer with a webcam lol



FBI: you could do that, yes