I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine