@SortaBad

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

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@StephiHill

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

@dorkwing_duck

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

@FrazzleMyGimp

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

@Mikecanrant

*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*

There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.

@Inconsteveable

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

@notxzibit

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

@10InchesPlus

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

@mjkspeaks

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

@fro_vo

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .