“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

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My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose


The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me


[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further


*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*

There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.


“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”


Google search history:

Is there a j in marawana
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet


I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.


*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*


WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .