“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
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Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone