“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My loaf of bread looks terrified
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony