I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
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waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
🖤✌🏽
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
When your man makes a valid point
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart