I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
You Might Also Like
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I need to get some bricks…
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.