@Jandalize

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

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@TheHyyyype

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

@jjhartinger

I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn’t melt. I’ve got to start dressing smarter

@lovejulieacafe

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

@UnFitz

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

@JoParkerBear

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

@iwearaonesie

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

@Real_Countress

Let me be clear, I chase no one!!!

*5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street

@markydoodoo

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

@DepecheALAmode

If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”