I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
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If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much