[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
This is a true ally.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”