ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
You Might Also Like
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?