I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
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the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body