@kate_smithxx

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

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@imadepoopstoday

Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

@I_am_carbs

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

@Swishergirl24

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

@perfectsweeties

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

@fro_vo

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

@AlixEHarrow

our anxious 4yo recently learned that all humans die. it was really tough, we all cried, but we got through it.

today he found out that all humans die at DIFFERENT TIMES and he’s LIVID

@shutupmikeginn

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

@BoogTweets

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher