@kate_smithxx

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

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@WheelTod

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

@steveffootball

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

@BonaFideIntent

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

@GodAnimalBooks

Dog: am I a wolf?

God: no you’re a dog.

Dog: what’s the difference?

God: wolves live in a pack.

Dog: like a family?

God: ok yes.

Dog: I am a wolf!

God: but wolves howl at the moon.

Dog: so?

God: you bark at appliances.

Dog: [offended] I do not!

God: [turns on vacuum].

@ImNotThatJohn

Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.

@Darlainky

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

@DevilryFun

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

@jazmasta

*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work*
“Big mac please”
“Would u like LIES with that?!”
*my boss dragging me away*
“LIES, LUCY.. LIES!”