@kate_smithxx
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
@WheelTod
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
@brendohare
Help Wanted
@steveffootball
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
@BonaFideIntent
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
@GodAnimalBooks
Dog: am I a wolf?
God: no you’re a dog.
Dog: what’s the difference?
God: wolves live in a pack.
Dog: like a family?
God: ok yes.
Dog: I am a wolf!
God: but wolves howl at the moon.
Dog: so?
God: you bark at appliances.
Dog: [offended] I do not!
God: [turns on vacuum].
@ImNotThatJohn
Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.
@Darlainky
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
@DevilryFun
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
@Jandalize
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
@jazmasta
*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work*
“Big mac please”
“Would u like LIES with that?!”
*my boss dragging me away*
“LIES, LUCY.. LIES!”