I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
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We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
When you kidnap a writer.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over