A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Me in tagged photos
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.