I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
choose your gary
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
men, we mow at sunrise.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
January has been Januweary
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks