I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
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Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
reduce, reuse, recycle