I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.