I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
motivation
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?