I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.