I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
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Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?