I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Sponch
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
my nickname in college
Me as a therapist: omg same
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.