I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
channeling her this year
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.