I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
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mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?