I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Need WebMD
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Not even remotely sorry.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them