I have a hummus budget and caviar tastes.

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Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.


Never understood Monopoly. It’s like saying, “Hey we’re stressed out about real $, so let’s play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.


The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person


The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.


Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!


I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.


[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force


I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.


[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay