Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Finally, an explanation.
I’d hang this in my house.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.