@omgthatspunny

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

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@i_eat_fruit

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

@GretchenVB

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

@_NTFG_

My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.

@marlespo

Twitter: Tell me I’m funny!
Instagram: Tell me I’m pretty!
Facebook: Tell me I have real friends!
Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!

@WildeThingy

It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.

Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.

@tiffistrying

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

@Chicken_Hawk38

I only had one beer Cupcake

Can i call you Cupcake?

No??

Okay, I only had one beer Officer.

@_salt_n_lime

Don’t tell me how to run my account and I won’t make a voodoo doll just to dunk your head in the toilet.

@Kendragarden

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)