I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

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I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work


Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a ‘one stop shop’ kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.


Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith


[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six



Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.


What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.


PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!


My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.


me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.