@omgthatspunny

I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.

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@ToskaXxx

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

@N0pantz

Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a ‘one stop shop’ kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.

@Spaziotwat

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

@fowlerism

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

@CotysGotThis

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

@MommaUnfiltered

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

@elizabeth_fels

PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!

@JaySuch

My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.

@Skoog

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.