Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.