girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.
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*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.
Twitter: Tell me I’m funny!
Instagram: Tell me I’m pretty!
Facebook: Tell me I have real friends!
Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!
It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.
Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I only had one beer Cupcake
Can i call you Cupcake?
Okay, I only had one beer Officer.
Don’t tell me how to run my account and I won’t make a voodoo doll just to dunk your head in the toilet.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)