I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
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Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.