I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.