I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
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My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM