I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
You Might Also Like
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.