I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
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who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.