I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.