“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Never judge a book by its cover unless it looks stupid.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.