@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

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@bea_ker

“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea

@maebemarbles

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

@dollfaceiam

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

@CAshmanActor

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

@Steelers1972

I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.

@MatCro

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

@david8hughes

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.