I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

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“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea


*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*


When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!


dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?


I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.


I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”


Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.