I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
For the orator and chef in all of us
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Look at this
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted