@NotOnTheMoors

I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.

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@PaulGibson1963

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

@keplyq

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

@revious

If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.

@ArfMeasures

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

@blimeyguvnor

I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it’s 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can’t get this horse off my couch

@i_Lean

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

@diannaeanderson

I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me