I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.

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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.


guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.


If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.


[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes


I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it’s 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can’t get this horse off my couch


My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.


I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me