Cop behind me just turned. Best unfollow ever.
I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.
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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers
Wife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it’s 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can’t get this horse off my couch
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me