My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
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Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.