I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

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While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.


[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”



My wife just texted “I’m too young to die” after they announced her United flight is overbooked.


me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine


5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands


Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.


The government should pay for everyone to get massages on November 9th.


Se7en is a great movie even if you haven’t seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix.


ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot


This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.