While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
You Might Also Like
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My wife just texted “I’m too young to die” after they announced her United flight is overbooked.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
The government should pay for everyone to get massages on November 9th.
Se7en is a great movie even if you haven’t seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.