@JimmerThatisAll

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

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@BubblesnBooze

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

@KamaroPayne

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

@randomlawless

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

@Diversion50

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

@Marlebean

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

@refreshingslurp

Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew

@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

@anna5skin

my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo