* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.